So, you've had body image issues for years. You wake up daily and wonder if by a miracle you're as skinny as you always wanted... even though perhaps, you maybe ate, the whole loaf of bread and jar of nutella that your annoying boyf had bought home last night,(does he not know you are on a diet) that it would sit there calling you to eat it, "Go on, one little bit won't hurt... one more slice isn't gonna kill you, four slices won't make a difference at all..." and before you know it your lying in bed, Nutella smeared around you mouth and you try your hardest to recoup the feeling, the taste, the enjoyment...you swish your tongue around your mouth to get a hint of a trace that it was worth every little, smooth, nutty mouthful. But it's gone. All you are left with is the faint hint of an awkward feeling, the guilt. So you do the only thing you can, you sleep. You sleep and you wake up and you feel your belly. Is it flatter? Grab your bottom, is it firmer? You cup your hands around your waist, is it teenier? You get up, check in the mirror you hesitantly open your eyes... Mehhh, well, you are either proud that the Nutella in fact did not make you the size of a house, or you're upset because the loaf of bread did make you bloat like a blow fish who had eaten a loaf of bread and a jar of Nutella. Either way you spend a ridiculous amount of time in front of the mirror, pulling your butt and thighs backwards to create a thigh gap, and then sucking in your belly so perhaps you look Victoria Secret modelesque and you think, "WHyyyy, why the eff did I eat that jar of Nutella... if i hadn't, I would sooo look like Giselle right now, dam that one Nutella jar. dam it"

Many a morning has been spent like this, followed by daily mirror checks, (or checks in the mirror, not Newspaper article updates.) Momentarily checking your posture throughout the day. The umming the ahhing, the wondering... "if I had this sandwich for lunch, should I have the crisps? Oh but the crisps have 250 calories, so maybe I should get the fruit salad AND have the bag of crisps as that's less calories right? But wait, whats for dinner?" And you spend long periods of time mentally calculating how many calories you may have inhaled, how many you might have pooed out, burnt off whilst running for the bus and whether the chocolate brownie you were offered at work (and ate) at elevenisies will be worked off in your two hour cardio gym session and your one hour body combat class?

Many evenings you come home so proud of yourself that you worked out today and you still only ate 800 calories. You now have a whole 400 to play with and you carefully select what you can eat for dinner. You question skipping it, because how hungry are you really? Whilst your belly growls at you for food. "PLEAASEEE it screams, give me some bloody nourishing food" So you prep a healthy dinner. A small jacket potato with some ham and a little bit of cottage cheese. You could add salad, but lettuce leaves make you sick to your stomach and taste so dam plain that all you would do is smother it in Italian dressing. (low fat mind)

You survived. Your relaxing, watching Master chef and as you see that Z list celeb pull out a baked, marzipan, and cherry cheesecake out the oven, 'after dinner treat' springs to mind. "Go on, you worked so hard in the gym, you need a balanced diet. You don't want to starve yourself. It's all about balance. You deserve a treat. You have 50 calories left anyways and truly, if you have the Mr Kipling Angel slice that was left over from your boyfs mum coming over at the weekend, what harm would it really do? You only live once. Once it's gone it's gone anyways so tomorrow will be a perfect day. My Fitness pal will be so on point, so spot on that I will literally be able to fit into my new dress without spanx this weekend..."

And you lie in bed with Nutella round your face and guilt smothered across your soul and you pray for that little miracle... that tomorrow will be different, that tomorrow won't seem so hard, that one day, you could just wake up and it not seem like such a big deal, such an issue, such a mind consuming, horrible, pointless, boring obsession that no one else seems to have or understand. Everyone else seems so perfectly happy with their bodies. Everyone else either has thigh gaps and waists like Ariel from The Little Mermaid or they don't care if they don't. Noone else seems to bloat, seems incapable of eating healthy, noone else seems to have to. Why is it so hard to go through a day without not caring at all. It's because no one else puts on an inch by looking at a digestive biscuit or a bowl of Crunchy Nut cornflakes... "OOO crunchy nuts, I could really go a bowl of crunchy nuts..."

And years go by... 1, 2, 3... 10, 11, 12... suddenly your approaching adulthood (your twenites washed away with insignificant angst and worry) over a body that was perfectly fine, was working, was in proportion, was doing what it needed to do. A body that looked pretty decent in denim shorts although you convinced yourself it didn't. A body that made sense, and truthfully, in pictures, you think "Ay? That's not how it looked in the mirror at the time? I swear I was never that trim" and you question all the time you have wasted on the thought process, the wishing, the wanting, the trying, the planning, the questioning, the hoping... Why not me? Why can I not have the body I want? Why do I 'feel' so huge and thick? Could I, if I really stuck to something, have the body I have wanted since I was fourteen years old? What if I really tried? I hate my body, so why don't I try and change it... really, properly, truly!

And there is a transition period...

And you spend six months, going at it. Really trying. You cut out carbs, you weigh your food, you meal prep, you go to the gym consistently, you eat more, drink more water, up your protein, start lifting weights. You take protein powder, Phsyllium husk, you cut out all treats, add super greens to your shakes, you stop going out for dinner as much because god forbid someone thinks your as obsessed with your body as you are. God forbid people think you are that person. The one that is taking care of it. And you wake up one morning and...

Yes you see results...

but wait a second... you still hate your body. All these sacrifices, all this avoiding a glass of Prosecco and eating chicken for breakfast. All the dinners or nights out you have missed. That time when Sally bought in cake to work and you pretended you felt ill because you couldn't just turn it down or just have one slice like a normal human being. The Big Macs you have resisted, the cheese and crackers you avoided, the crunchy nut cornflakes that. you. didn't. buy...

ALL OF THESE SACRIFICES AND YOU STILL DON'T LOOK LIKE AN EFFING VICTORIA SECRET MODEL!!!

So you take a second, a few. And you reassess.

You freak out, you ask yourself who you are? After a lot of tears, a lot of tantrums, a lot of thought about what all of this is for and why it seems and feels so important. What is it you really want? Noone else cares what you look like. You know for a fact you are far more than just a body, I mean, come on your a really funny person (hahahha) you know life is more than just about going to the gym, or having a dimple free bum. You know that there is a world where you can not wake up and the first thing you think isn't "Do I feel fat today/look fat today/eat fat today" That you take the energy that you somehow slyly, slowly indiscreetly waste daily on such stupid, yet deeply important to you, thoughts, and you change it around. Because you do not want to be this girl anymore. One that pretends not to be so much that you eat cream out of a tub with a spoon. You don't want to pretend your OK with your body. You want to be OK with your body!

You have spent years hating your body, and that didn't work. Try loving it and see what happens...

Who knows what, or why, or when... The moment when something changes, something shifts. I can't tell you if I had an epiphany, or a simple realisation that the only way I could be free of hating my body, was to just stop...

hating my body.

The simple truth is there wasn't a special formula. It wasn't killing myself in the gym, or sacrificing yummy food. (Been there and bought the gym crop top) It wasn't found in the bottom of a crunchy nut cereal box or a Nutella jar either.It wasn't found in obsessing daily about the things I hated and couldn't stand. As cheesy as it sounds it started with one small thought...

I am going to eat a balanced diet and work out consistently, not because I hate my body, but because I like it. (man screw it... because I love it) because it has the ability to change, evolve, respond.It surely has the ability, if given what it needs, to give me back what I need. And it wasn't to look like a Victoria Secrets model. It was to FEEL like one. And who knew. Eating nourishing foods and working out for 30 minutes a day was enough to make me FEEL good. To FEEL healthy and lean and glowy.

I realised that one healthy meal wasn't gonna make me Jessica Alba, but that I didn't want to be her either way (well... maybe a teeny bit) The shift was to just keep going, because the time is going to pass anyways. There wasn't an end game. I finally realised I wasn't going to eat well for a bit and get the body I want (except for A BIT) The shift was to eat to nourish and fuel my body because I want to 'feel' good afterwards. The shift to figure out that nothing is out of bounds, that I can eat crunchy nuts and Nutella, together if I so wish, if I consistently, the majority of the time, eat nutritious food. The shift that Nutella will nourish my soul sometimes and that carbs will not make me fat. The shift was to realise it wasn't a fear of being fat, it was a fear of always hating myself. Of always feeling horrendous.

You feel great that you have consistently been feeling good. That your head is in a good place. That your dysfunctional relationship with food, your body image, feels on its way to healing. But out of the blue, you will still get people say disapprovingly "Your getting a bit obsessive, you've lost weight" and you panic. OMG... I am that girl... That girl that you never wanted to be. That awful one that orders spinach with her steak instead of fries. The one that gets up and goes to the gym before work. The one that drinks tons and tons of water and spends alot of time peeing. Your the girl that has one cupcake and not ten and drinks green smoothies and doesn't get wasted all the time. Your the girl that you used to judge. The one that cared more about her looks than going out and having fun... eating loads...

Wait just a second... the funniest thing is, I was obsessed before, way more obsessed prior to finding this new balance. But the other version of obsession never seemed to offend anyone? Your suddenly one of those girls that has spinach with steak because she is having cheesecake for dessert, or the one that fits in going to the gym because it makes her feel good the rest of the day. Drinks tons of water because the body actually needs it and has one cupcake because ten, well ten would make me throw up. The smoothies, they actually taste good (with dates) The girl that used to think going out and getting so wasted that I wouldn't remember if I had made love to a fox on the way to Maccy Ds and then eaten a big mac mindlessly at 4am on a Friday night having a deep and meaningful with the homeless guy sat next to you whilst you share your fries (and you never share your food) WAS FUN, she's reassessed and decided that in fact, that just isn't that great. It just really isn't.

And in no way am I judging that girl. The sexy fox, fries sharing, convo with the homeless chatty, drunk, slurry girl. I have been her, and I may be her again. But no one realised that you were obsessed and unhappy before. No one knows that actually, you wake up free of the guilt now, free of the worry of what you will see in the mirror. You don't mind if you bloat for a day. Because you 'feel' rather good. Because you consistently look after your body yes, but also because you started to tell yourself you love it either way. People can sometimes be weirded out by the lifestyle choice to not want to binge any more or to want to get your 30 minute exercise in daily, they get confused, annoyed, thrown by it. They don't know how obsessed you once were. How unhappy you once were that you were in a never ending cycle of negative thoughts, how much it mattered before, for all the wrong reasons. And that's OK. Because your obsession you found no longer lies in how chubby you are or think you are, but in how good you feel to have found a lifestyle that benefits your mind, body and soul... It is no one else's job to tell you what makes you feel good, nor is it your job to have to justify why you don't want to down a pint of beer and eat croissants every morning. You finally feel like you have found a healthy place, that used to seem so alien. Loving your body? That's ridiculous? Perhaps the juxtaposition of wanting something that really you thought was always impossible was only impossible because you thought that loving your body made you an obnoxious, gym obsessed, vein douche bag. And the relief that actually you are still a douche bag, but one that has stopped battling all the vein demons that were there before.

OH MY GAAAD I ATE PIZZA AND BEN AND JERRYS AT THE WEEKEND...

and it tasted so dam mighty fine that my fanny tingled greatly. Job done!

How to (not)be obsessed with your body...